excerpt from The Cabana Boy
On this bed, you dream of things you can't discuss with anyone. You feel you are falling & there is no way to stop. It's impossible to tell where you end and he begins. Let the hours pass by. It's all a dream, and it's yours, and it always will be.
He speaks softly as he asks, 'where do you see this going?'
Your heart stops. You reply, 'no where' and all the while you want this to be so much more. You want him to be yours.
Don't think about the others he has been with, don't care if these women have felt they are the only ones. What does it matter anyway? It's dream fucking that goes on here, the kind that overtakes you so that you don't bother to lock the doors or pull down the window shades. It's the kind that makes you cry out loud, makes you beg, then dissolve, then urges you to do what you've never done before.
You want to be with him, and what happens when he disapears? Where do you go? into pieces, into atoms, into the arms of another man? You do what you have to do in order to live.
You go shopping, you cook dinner, you work odd hours, you make love to someone else on a November night.
But you're not really there, you're someplace else where the sky is a golden color setting in an evening sun. If you squint your eyes you can see him, in the shadows, beyond the trees. You always imagine that you see him, but he is never there. It's only his spirit, that's what's there beneath the bed when you kiss your husband. It's in your coffee, your bathwater, your tears. Unfinished business always comes back to haunt you, and a man such as this swears to you 'always', isn't finished with you until he is done.